


Steve's Therapy Files

by PoeticJustice84



Series: Steve McGarrett Finally Gets a Family [3]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Crying, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Retirement, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24529426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoeticJustice84/pseuds/PoeticJustice84
Summary: A look into Steve's therapy sessions.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Series: Steve McGarrett Finally Gets a Family [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601437
Comments: 16
Kudos: 108





	1. Chap. 1

So, sorry for wait. I’ve been distracted recently. My father’s birthday was in February and June 1st was seven years since he died. This time of the year is never easy for me. I will try to post more often though. Just stick with me. 

Dr. Vega watched as he toyed with his watch, then the hem of his shirt, before finally adjusting his shoes and settling.

“Comfortable?”

“Not particularly.”

In her experience, men like Steve McGarrett were rarely comfortable in her office. It left them feeling exposed and defenseless. Men like her client were accustomed to being in control, and in her office, the emotions sometimes uncovered were difficult to control. Steve was working on that though. 

“Why don’t you try telling me what has you so unsettled?”

“The nightmares have gotten worse.”

“How have they gotten worse?”

“Now, I see Danno in them. They never end well.”

“What about Freddie, or your father? Your mother, or Joe White? Wo Fat?”

“They’re all still there in some of them. But now, so is Danny. When I do manage to sleep, I wake up in cold sweats or screaming thinking I’ve lost him, too. He’s the reason for most of the good things in my life. I can’t lose him.”

“Explain that to me. How is Danny responsible for all the good things in your life?”

“I stayed in Hawaii ten years ago to find my father’s murderer. He’s kept me quasi sane since then. He’s pulled me out of all kinds of trouble. And he never lets me forget it. God, he so passionate and emotional about everything. I wasn’t raised to be emotional like that. My parents didn’t really do emotions. Danny’s shown me how damaging that can be. He won’t let me just bottle everything up anymore.”

“He encourages you to access your feelings and to process them in a healthy manner?”

“I know how juvenile it sounds, but I’ve never really been allowed to do that. When my father shipped us off to the mainland, I had no one. I was just expected to go on like nothing happened. I got good at doing that. I look at Danno and I know he isn’t going to let me get away with any of that bullshit.”

Dr. Vega stopped scribbling her notes and glanced at her client. Steve McGarrett was an enigma. The tough as nails SEAL persona masked an incredibly sweet, soft hearted man and she couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why anyone ever made him think he had to. 

“How does it make you feel when Detective Williams calls you out on your issues?”

“Honestly? When we first met, I hated him for it. Now I’m so grateful for it. I didn’t realize I could be this happy until I met Danno. I have so many people in my life who really love me and just want the best for me. Danny just kept showing me that and when I finally did break, he let me. He didn’t make me feel wrong for it. He just let me fall apart and helped put me back together.”

Dr. Vega smiled as she thought of the stubborn detective who had never given up on Steve the way many others had. Danny Williams was a miracle worker it seemed. 

“He made you realize you deserved a little happiness after everything you’ve done for other people?”

“Yes. In the hospital when I was just staring at him, waiting for him to wake up, I kept thinking that losing him would gut me. He always swoops in to save me from myself. With him gone, I just kept thinking about how lost I would be. I’ve never felt so loved; so safe. And it’s all because he refused to let me think otherwise.”

“And now you have this huge amazing family.”

“Because of Danno.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. Detective Williams didn’t build this family all by himself. He brought his family along sure, but you had a major hand in creating the positive atmosphere here in Hawaii. You knew, without realizing it, that you needed to be surrounded by a certain kind of people. Yes, you gave something huge to each and every one of them, but they gave back to you in a big way. That’s on you.”

“I guess.”

“Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Cut yourself some slack, kid. You’re doing great.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. I feel like I’m just treading water most of the time.”

“You’ve got so many friends and family who will help you keep your head above water. Don’t forget that. It’s ok to lean on them when you don’t feel strong enough make it through. I promise you; they will be there for whatever you need.”

Dr. Vega had met almost all of the friends and family in Hawaii personally and had video chatted with the New Jersey family in different sessions with her client. They just wanted to Steve to be happy and healthy. 

“I’m trying to remember that. Lou tells me enough; I should never forget.”

“He watched you almost shut down when Detective Williams was shot. He’s understandably concerned.”

“I hate that being the reason they’re all so worried.”

“You told me you never really had people who worried about you. It’s not a bad thing having that now. It just means that they love you. I think you need all the love and affection you can get. Stop questioning this and just let it happen.”

“Yes ma’am.”

As her alarm notifying her of the time sounded Steve took a breath and stood but didn’t head for the door.

“What if none of this works out?”

“What if it does?”

Steve kept asking himself both questions as he exited the office. His inner voice mocked him for wanting it to work until he saw Danny waiting for him across the street. All his doubts vanished then. 

“I got shave ice, babe.”

Steve took the offered treat, noting it was his favorite flavor. It reminded him of that first year back home after his father’s murder. Danny asked tons of questions about everything. At the time, Steve had thought nothing of it. When things he favored started showing up at the office and later at home, he realized the significance of all those questions. 

“Thanks. Not to complain, but I thought you had to pick up Charlie.”

“Tani was close, so she’s bringing him home. That left me with some time.”

Steve didn’t buy it, but he was grateful, nonetheless. 

“Danny, just tell me you think I’m losing it.”

“I’m not sure you ever really had it, but that’s beside the point. I just thought you might need some company after therapy. It isn’t easy opening yourself up like this.”

“I love you.”

“I know. I love you too. And you’re not losing it. You’re finally allowing yourself to deal with all the shit you’ve been through.”

Danny kissed him then, right there on the street and it tasted like pineapple. Grinning at the thought that Charlie had finally won his father over, Steve leaned into the kiss.

“I couldn’t have done any of it without you. You give me the strength to do it.”

“No. You are the strongest person I know. I just showed you it was ok to let your guard down. Now, Junior took your truck, so you’re with me. And I’m driving. Let’s go. Joanie is coming over to surf with Charlie later.”


	2. Chap. Two

“I just don’t understand it. He had everything to live for. Why would he give it all up for me? What did I ever do to deserve that? He was such an amazing person. And I’m just me.”

Dr. Vega had heard her client say that one statement hundreds of times before. She hated it the first time he said it and she despised it now. The more she learned about Steve McGarrett, the more astounded she became. Hearing him doubt his own worth so much still didn’t set well with her. 

“Freddie obviously thought you were worth it.”

The defeated posture told her Steve McGarrett thought otherwise.

“I have been asking myself for years if his sacrifice was all for nothing. I don’t know if I lived up to it. It doesn’t feel like it. I think I’ve probably let him down. I have everyone else.”

Dr. Vega seriously doubted her client had ever really disappointed anyone. Judging from her profile of him and conversations with Steve and the people closest to him, he was a highly competitive over achiever who thrived on being the absolute best at everything he did. Those types of people often felt they fell short of expectations though. 

“Have you been reading the affirmations?”

“Danny makes me read them to him every night and again every morning on the beach.”

“Do they help at all?”

“I...um...this sounds so stupid.”

“Steven, nothing about your mental health is stupid. Whatever works for you is what you do.”

“When someone repeats them back to me, it’s easier to believe them. So Danno usually does it throughout the day. I think he must have said something to the kids too. They’ve started tossing them around when we talk now. Hell, even his parents do it!”

“Do you think maybe he wants to make sure you remember them? That all those people sprinkle those affirmations into conversations because they care about you?”

“I...yes?”

“Steve, are you asking me or telling me?”

“Telling.”

“So, you accept, without a doubt, that there are people in your life who love you dearly and only want you to be happy and healthy?”

“I’m beginning to understand that. They make it seem so effortless. When I said something to Eddie, the...the human not the dog, he told me it was. He said it with such conviction that I believed him. Do you know how he and Clara tell people I’m family?”

“Well, you and Detective Williams are cohabitating while co-parenting his children with his ex-wife. Did you honestly expect anything less?”

“Not anymore. Danny says it all the time. Family is everything.”

“And you, Steve McGarrett, are family.”

“Yes ma’am.”

The smile on his handsome face lit up the entire room. Despite all the issues plaguing him, Steve McGarrett would be fine eventually. Family and friends would see to that, she knew. Dr. Vega had no doubts about that.


	3. Steve's Therapy Files Chap. 3

“I think the PTSD started before you even joined the Navy. You were what? Fifteen, sixteen when you thought you mother died? I would hazard a guess that most of this began when you thought she died. From the things you’ve said and the stuff I’ve gleaned from your family and friends I would bet that the hypervigilance and the depression started there.” 

Steve laughed softly as he considered the thought. Dr. Vega wasn’t wrong. 

“In fact, thinking she perished in the car accident is probably the reason you’re so controlling about driving.” 

“Danny actually said something similar last week. He always gives me hell about having to drive everywhere we go. He gets it though.” 

Dr. Vega was certain Detective Williams played a big part in her client reaching out and getting the help he needed now. Having a huge support network of friends and extended family would benefit Steve McGarrett in ways he couldn’t even comprehend yet. 

“He comes from a big family where everyone was open with each other about almost everything. If you’ll notice Grace and Charlie have no filters when it comes to family. None of them expect you to be closed off about things.” 

“Clara, God, she and Danny are so much alike. She won’t let me close myself off either. And Eddie, he’s just always there.” 

“Explain that.” 

“I was face timing Clara the other day, telling her about how confused I felt now that I’m not working full time. He’s just there in the background chatting about his newest project when he starts talking about how lost he felt when he retired. He found hobbies and started volunteering. He and Clara fly out here more now. They fly out to see Grace and spoil her rotten more. He totally got it without realizing anything. I told Danno about it and he just shrugged like it was nothing. I guess for him it is.” 

“He’s always had them in his life. You have had to figure it all out on your own. I can see why they might throw you for a loop sometimes.” 

“Charlie told me to just go with it. Don’t question it Uncle Steve, just go with it.” 

“He’s a smart kid.” 

“Very. And he and Grace can read me like a book. They think I don’t know.” 

“What gave it away?” 

“When I first met Gracie, she just kept including me in things. Family things. She picked up on my...issues without even realizing she had done it. Charlie does it too.” 

“They fight for the little guy, bring home strays. Animals, people. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Yeah. They’re like Danny that way.”   
“Steven don’t pretend like you don’t. You and Danny had created this hodgepodge of family here on the island. Giving shelter, literal and figurative to so many people.” 

“They should know someone cares.” 

“Because you didn’t?” 

“Yes. No one should feel that lost or unwanted.” 

Dr. Vega scribbled her notes and glanced up at her client. For someone so sure of his abilities to serve his country and police the islands, Steve McGarrett was remarkably unsure of himself as a person. 

“Do you still feel that way, Commander?” 

“Not since I met Danno. He changed everything.” 

Dr. Vega made a mental note about Detective Williams and closed her binder. The hour was upup, and she could tell Steve had reached his limit for the day. 

“He loves you.” 

“It took me a really long time to understand that.” 

“But you get it now?” 

“Even when he doesn’t say it. The things he does let me know. He makes my coffee the way I like it even though he says it’s disgusting. He arranges the dishes the way I do so my OCD doesn’t go haywire. The little things.” 

“I think Detective Williams deserves a medal.” 

“He deserves so much more.”


	4. Steve's Therapy Files Chap. 4

“So, you and Charlie went to the festival?” 

...yeah. Danny got called about one of his old cases in New Jersey, so I took Charlie out.” 

“Did you enjoy the afternoon?” 

“It was great. Charlie had a blast.” 

“What about you, Commander? Did you have a good time?” 

“I enjoyed watching him. He and Gracie have this...innocence that I can’t recall ever having.” 

“From what I’ve learned of your upbringing, I can’t say that I’m surprised. The military didn’t allow for such frivolous things, I assume?” 

“There was always a mission or planning for a mission. Or paperwork after a mission. Or drills. I never really thought about things like that until I met Danno and the kids.” 

“Do you resent not having a, for lack of a better word, normal childhood?” 

“I feel guilty that maybe because of me, Mary didn’t. I should have tried harder to make that happen. At the time, though, we thought it was normal.” 

“Do you think Mary should have done the same for you?” 

“What? No!” 

“Why do you hold yourself to a higher standard?” 

“I’m the older brother. I should have done more for her.” 

“It sounds like your parents should have done more for both of you.” 

“I’m sure they did the best they knew how.” 

“Steven, do you understand that it is fine to be angry with them? It’s even healthy. You and your sister got a raw deal as children and it still hurts you now. The fact that they didn’t know another way doesn’t negate how much it hurts.” 

“But I’m not a child anymore. It shouldn’t bother me.” 

“Yet, here we are.” 

"I came to you to deal with my PTSD, not to drag up old wounds that can never be healed.” 

“I already told you I think the PTSD started when you were a child. If you would like, we can discuss something else. Joe White, perhaps?” 

“I don’t want to talk about him.” 

“Tell me, then. What’s a safe topic?” 

"Nahele, Charlie, Gracie, Joanie, Tani, Junes, Lou, Adam, Kono, Chin, Kamekona, Flippa, Mary, Bridgette, Stella, Eric, Clare, Eddie, both Eddies, and Danno.” 

“So, we’re just supposed to ignore your issues?” 

“Can I do that?” 

“I think you’ve done that long enough, don’t you?” 

“I just don’t see how this is supposed to help. I’m still having nightmares and sleepless nights. I still doubt almost everything I do. I cry over EVERYTHING now.” 

“Now you have friends and family to turn to when the sleeplessness and nightmares hit. When you doubt yourself, do you not have people to talk with about it?” 

“Yeah. And I usually end up in tears. I hate it!” 

“You’re not bottling things up now. That’s progress. You’re letting people see the real Steve instead of this façade you think they want to see. And guess what, Commander? They love you. They don’t care how slow the progress is as long as there is progress.” 

“What happens when they get tired of having to deal with me and all my issues? Danny and the kids shouldn’t have to see any of it.” 

“Are you afraid Detective Williams will decide to leave you?” 

“I don’t know why he hasn’t already. So many other people have.” 

“Has Detective Williams ever left you?” 

“Not really.” 

“Explain that to me.” 

“A few months ago, we had this big fight about me being so reckless. Right in the middle of it he holds up his hands and walks out. I lost it. I remember him leaving and feeling like my whole world ended. I just sat against the couch crying. When he came back, I was in the middle of a panic attack. He had gone to calm down. He didn’t want to say something he might regret. I didn’t know that at the time. I just thought the one person who had always been there had finally had enough of my shit. “ 

“For days, I was so afraid he was actually going to leave. “ 

Dr. Vega could only imagine the guilt Detective Williams must carry from that experience. 

“Did you two talk after the fight?” 

“Danno made it a rule. We can’t leave the house when we argue until we resolve it. If we need to cool down, we go down to the beach or out to the garage. But he doesn’t leave anymore.” 

“He’s trying to show you that not everyone leaves when things get rough?” 

“I guess.” 

“Commander, your boyfriend loves you. With his entire being. Let him.” 

“Yes Ma’am.”


	5. Steve's Therapy Files Chap. 5

“In our last session, there were some topics you felt uncomfortable discussing. Are you able to talk about any of those things now?” 

“The way I was raised, things like this got swept under the rug. You pasted on a smile and continued on about your day.” 

“Do you see how unhealthy that is though? When Grace was abducted, didn’t she talk to a therapist?” 

“Yeah, but she had been through such an ordeal. And she was just a child then.” 

“So, if the abduction happened today, you’re saying because Grace is an adult now, she wouldn’t need to speak with someone about it?” 

“No! It’s not the same. Grace and Charlie have so many people who love them and want them to be happy and healthy.” 

“And you didn’t.” 

“I didn’t say that.” 

“You didn’t have to, Commander. I can read between the lines. How did your parents show their love for you Steve? 

The silence told Dr. Vega all she needed to know. 

“I’m all ears, Commander.” 

“I grew up in a nice house, with everything I needed.” 

“I didn’t ask if your needs were met.” 

“What do you want me to say?” 

“Were they huggers? Did they kiss you goodnight? Did they make your favorite foods?” 

“I don’t they either of them even knew my favorite foods. Clara and Eddie do, though. Isn’t that odd?” 

“That the people who love you know the little things about you? No, it isn’t odd at all. They care enough to find out those things.” 

“Yeah, but what does it say about me that my own parents didn’t even love me? What did I do that was so bad?” 

“I don’t think you did anything wrong.” 

“Then why were they so distant with us? Why did they just ignore how much they hurt us?” 

“I can’t speak for them. I can only speculate and that does you no good. I can tell you that they were wrong. You were an amazing student, a standout athlete, a sweet kid, by all accounts. You did nothing wrong, Commander.” 

Two tears were quickly swiped away only to be followed by a steady stream of them. 

“I spent years trying not to blame them. Trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong.” 

Dr. Vega watched as her client, all six plus feet of him, pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his long arms around them, lowered his head onto them and cried. Upon realizing the tears were not slowing and the sobs were getting deeper, Dr. Vega rounded her chair and grabbed her phone. Danny would need to know just how upset Steve was by this session. Glancing out the window, she spied his familiar Camaro parked across the street. Ever protective. Always watchful. Danny Williams had been specific when he had inquired about her practice. He was right. Steve was stubburn. He was correct when he described his boyfriend as deeply hurt. Danny made it clear that Steve’s health was his priority. 

“Dana, let Detective Williams know that today's session has been a difficult one.” 

“Yes Dr. Vega.”


	6. Steve's Therapy Files Chap. 6

Mary watched her brother as he kept a careful eye on the kids as they splashed about in the calm water with Nahele and Eric. Something was bothering him. He was too quiet, even for Steve. Danny had said he had been off for a few days. After the last therapy session, Mary couldn’t say she was surprised. According to Danny, Steve had been even more protective of Charlie, Grace, Joan, and Nahele since. 

“Want to talk about it?” 

“About what?” 

“Whatever has you so messed up. Does it have anything to do with the rents?” 

Mary watched him sip his beer before he answered. 

“I just don’t get it. I think back to us as children. I don’t think I was such a bad kid. I tried to be so perfect for them. Where did I go wrong?” 

Mary placed her small hand over his larger, fisted one and used her thumb to rub soothing circles over his knuckles. 

“You have to stop thinking you did something wrong. Dude, you were fucking perfect. I always called you the golden boy because you never fucked up. Listen to me big brother, ok. I’m sure they didn’t intend to hurt us. They didn’t know how to raise children. They did what they knew. But the two of us know better. Just look at what we have. We have this enormous family now. So many people. The majority of them like us, needing...something they’ve never really had. We all have each other now. We did ok. It's ok to need this. To need them. We all deserve to be happy.” 

“When did you get so smart?” 

“I have always been amazing, you just didn’t see me as anything other than you baby sister until now.” 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t make things easier for you. I guess I was selfish.” 

“You have never been selfish. It is so hard to help someone else when you feel so lost and alone yourself. At least I had Aunt Deb. You didn’t really have anyone, did you?” 

“I’m making up for it now. Like you said, we have so many people who care now. I just have to let them.” 

“Did Danny tell you Stella is coming out in a few weeks? Bryan has a meeting with some developers downtown, so she and the boys are coming along.” 

“Yeah, Charlie can’t wait. Hell, Danny and Eric can’t either.” 

“What about you? You know she’ll mother hen you to no end.” 

“I’ve been told that I should just let her. It’s kind of a thing with the Williams family.” 

“I’ve noticed. Now go start lunch. I’ll call Danny and see how much longer he’s going to be at the academy.”


End file.
